A Snapshot of Our Lives

by Holly Anderson

This post originally appeared on Holly's blog, and has been shared with her permission.  This post can be found at http://chaseandholly.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-snapshot-of-our-live-since-august-at.html

A Snapshot of our lives since August -

At the beginning of August we (and by we, I mean my husband) decided it was time to expand our family. Although I would never tell him "no" to this after craving a baby for years and having dealt with several miscarriages, it was honestly not the right time for me. I was about to quit one job and start another one (luckily, a work from home one), I was approaching one of the busiest times of the year for my photography business, and my darling son was about to start Kindergarten. Changes were already abundant in our family. I was already overwhelmed with how emotional I was getting saying goodbye to the kids I have nannied to for the past 4 years. I couldn't picture my little boy going off to kindergarten from 8:30 in the morning until 3:45 EVERY day. I was already a wreck. It wasn't the right time for me. But, evidently it was, because we got pregnant immediately.

My life was consumed with fear from the moment I knew I was pregnant - days before I ever got a positive test. I knew I wasn't imagining the symptoms. I was elated, filled with joy, excited, and feeling thankful - but I was so fearful. Terrified. The first few weeks there were our concerns over whether the pregnancy could be maintained. Blood tests every 48 hours with numbers that were rising - but not fast enough. Although I had been on progesterone since conception, we changed to a stronger formula. Numbers started increasing. Things looked good. Blood tests stopped. It seemed the pregnancy was sticking. Elation. Joy. Fear. Fear. Fear.

One of my first days pregnant, I went and reread some journal entries I had made while pregnant with my son. One of them blatantly says ":( I think my journal will eventually become a reminder of why I should never become pregnant again." 

Fear. So much fear. With Hunter, I had undiagnosed hyperemisis gravidarum (HG) which in short, is extreme morning sickness. My good days, I threw up 15 times a day. Most days were more like 30. I would go days without holding down food or liquid. I had an unsupportive doctor, was virtually alone in Texas, and kept getting told that it was "just" morning sickness. People "crackered" me constantly. No one seemed to understand that no food stayed down - least of all crackers or ginger ale. On an already thin frame, I lost 20 pounds, was put in the "underweight" category, and still got no support from my doctor. Not until I moved back to CO and found a new doctor did I realize what I had. By then, I was over the "hump" and was able to hold most of my meals down.

But I never forgot what those initial months were like. No energy, barely the ability to move, weak, and so sick. I've always been fearful that it would happen again - but with better doctor support, I felt more optimistic. But I was still fearful.

With this pregnancy, the nausea started at 5 weeks and the vomiting at 6. With a doctor plan already put in place, I was put on oral Zofran immediately. We quickly upped it to twice a day. I was also taking B6 and Unisom at night. I pretty much had to give up on my prenatals for a period of time. The funny thing about Zofran is that it is a drug that triggers your brain to NOT throw up. It does not take away any of the nausea. The truth of the matter was, I felt like crap 100% of my waking hours. But crap could get worse, and a lot of days, I felt like death. I became thankful for the "crap" days. Most days still involved throwing up multiple times - typically less than 5 though. I only had a handful of days where I threw up 10+ times. I was thankful for that too. Although there was days we discussed Zofran pumps and IVs, for the most part, I stayed hydrated enough that we were not too concerned about my actual health or the babies health.

To say that this medicated journey of HG was an improvement over the non medicated journey of HG is a HUGE understatement. But to say that it was good is just crazy. You'll probably judge me for saying this (I judge myself...) - but I know that others with HG understand - so I'm going to say it. I thought about terminating the pregnancy almost daily. I so badly wanted it to be over. I couldn't feel like that anymore. I couldn't possibly spend one more day in bed watching my life crumble away around me. I am PRO-LIFE in MANY ways. Now, the thought of abortion (for me) once again makes me cringe....but for weeks on end, it was a daily thought. Without my husband's unrelenting support, understanding and compassion, I probably would have gotten further in the process than just thinking. That makes me cry. But it is so important to say because it is how I felt every single day.

Let me just take a second to talk about my husband here. Like I said above, I don't doubt that I could not have handled this without him. He was my rock. There was never a moment that he got angry with me or upset that I was not being a wife or a mother. He brought me food when I asked but didn't push it on me, held me when I cried, told me it would be okay, and that it wasn't my fault I was so sick. Told me I was not worthless. He took care of our son, the laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping all while finding, interviewing for, and working out the logistics of a new job, while holding down his old one. He was amazing. And I am thankful for him.

I did feel like I lost control of my life completely. I still had my work from home job - but I typically only actually worked an hour or two every day. Mostly, I sat in front of my desk with my eyes closed, willing myself not to throw up. I left a few photography sessions on my calendar, but stopped booking any new sessions. And being that it was my "busy" time of year, I constantly got photography related emails and phone calls. I would ignore a lot of them for days until I would get so mad at myself for pushing away the business I worked so hard to build. And then I would reply. I hated talking on the phone - every time I opened my mouth I wondered if I would throw up. I preferred to have my lips sealed and my teeth tightly clenched. I would ignore calls from my Mom and my friends because I just didn't want to talk. I often felt depressed, alone. I cried every day - but - I tried not to because it just made me need to vomit. My house was a disaster. I don't know what my husband or son ate - but I'm pretty sure it involved pizza at least 4 times a week.

On the weekends, I would try to get out of the house with Chase. It often helped me feel a little better, and kept me in a happier state. But during the week, when I was alone - I just felt myself sink further and further into a hole. People would tell me "only a few more weeks and you'll start to feel better." That was hard because a few weeks felt like ETERNITY. I didn't even know if I wanted to survive into the next day. And although I had hope because my HG started to ease up at 16 weeks with Hunter - you just never know. Every pregnancy is different. And I couldn't comprehend feeling the way I did until April.

Luckily - around 14/15/16 weeks, the nausea did start to ease up. I started spending more time out of bed and with my family. I became more excited about the pregnancy and the baby. The depression lifted. I would go days without throwing up. I started gaining weight instead of losing.

At 18W3D today, I mostly feel good. I still feel nauseas all the time, and although I tried to wean myself off of the Zofran, it didn't work. I'll continue taking it for awhile longer. I can eat meals - sometimes I eat A LOT! But I almost always eat at least 3 meals a day. I can drink and no longer rely on Otter Pops for hydration. In fact - I can't tell you the last time I ate an Otter Pop. I lived on them for weeks. Literally. A few weeks ago, when I started coming out of my hole - my son asked me one day why I was so happy. I wasn't even that happy...I was just...up. Walking around. Helping him with homework. Talking to him. Feeling alive. It broke my heart to know that I wasn't a Mom for awhile.

I think I'm writing this because I want people to understand. HG is not diagnosed that often, but it is diagnosed. And most of those women have it SOOO much worse than I do. As a civilization, I think we're quick to judge people. So maybe this will help someone else understand. Or help someone with HG know that they are not alone. All I know is that I felt it was important to write down my story.


ETA May 2014 -

Unfortunately, HG stuck around the remainder of my pregnancy with Ayla. It was accompanied by extreme hip/joint pain that is now being linked to HG. We made it to Ayla's birth. We survived. But I had to fight and push through every day. Chase had to tell me every day that I COULD do it. That I WOULD do it. He had to remind me every day to look at how far I had already come. HG was the worst experience of my life. I continued with Zofran for the remainder of my pregnancy, and had to be put on Reglan the last 10 weeks. After the vomiting started at 6 weeks, I never took another prenatal again. A year later, when I think too much about it, or get a bit of nausea, I have panic attacks. I've spent $3K on top of the HG medical bills on dental bills to fix what HG ruined. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world - because through HG, I got my Hunter and my Ayla - but I would give anything to save another woman from going through what I went through to get their miracle.